Monday, September 7, 2009

Pantleg Vigilante

Sometimes the law falls short of justice. Sometimes it goes too far. The situation gets desperate. The situation gets...personal.

Vigilantes have been taking the law into their own hands for, oh, ever since they had hands. Some, like lynch mobs, were an ugly business. Others, like Spiderman, have given hope and inspiration to millions of children.

Is vigilantism right? Wrong? Depends? Here at Pantleg Hat, we don't answer those kind of questions. We answer the second greatest question posed by would-be volunteer crimefighters..."What on earth shall I ever wear?"



Devastating. Absolutely devastating.

But now, with my new breakthrough, the answer is simple! Roll up your sleeves, roll up your pantleg, and jump off of rooftops in style.



Ne'er-do-wells will tremble when they see justice in your eyes. Streamlined and form-fitting, the Pantleg Vigilante Hat will protect your identity AND your tender skull, while leaving you free to perform all manner of completely necessary acrobatics. Commissioners will respect your resourcefulness and determined silhouette even as they resent your meddling. Leaves the mouth free for expressive scowling or triumphant laughter. Narrow eye slot creates a focused, penetrating look, yet offers perfect peripheral vision!



Just remember -- "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY" says the Lord. Revenge is never your right.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Jester's Pantleg Cap

"Fools as we were in motley, all jangling and absurd"
-- The Man Who Was Thursday, Author's Note by G.K. Chesterton

Fools we are! But nothing is more foolish than being unable to laugh, and the Court Jester has always been a healthy remedy to Serious Royal Business. A jester needs a good head on his shoulders, else he might lose it altogether (or at least get a stern beating) -- making fun of the king is a high risk sort of job. Here at Pantleg Hat, we've got our own source of comic relief. This guy:


The Jester's Pantleg Cap lends a lighthearted air to the most dignified of expressions, and quickly sends the wearer into roiling hysterics. The audience cannot help but follow suit, I assure you. Haha -- look at him. Look at his face, hee, hoo, hoo! See how he capers about. Look at that floppy hat, is he some kinda puppy? No, no, just a fool. A fool for Pantleg Hats!

Traditionally the jester wore a three-cornered cap with bells on, but we've got no need for that kind of jingly jangly nonsense. >_< This is Serious Business. Now please excuse me; I have to whip my fool.


this is the place where
I was going to put a
picture of my father,
looking hatless and
unamused...
but he found that
unamusing

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Pantleg Xtreem

Last week, I returned from the waterfall at Niagara! I have been sitting in stunned silence ever since, but that ends TODAY. The Falls demand a witness, a tribute, a Pantleg Hat of their own. Something XTREEM enough to represent all 700,000 gallons per second, every second, forever. A hat that would make ol' Louis Hennepin (or one of the other five or six guys who totally first discovered the falls) proud. Clearly, we're talking about some kind of sporty headband!

This is the kind of hat you could wear as you sail fearlessly over the brink in a barrel. This is exactly what you need to shield your face from dripping bangs after a run across the Hurricane Deck (which you simply must try if you go to American Niagara). See how the hair cascades over the edges of the band like liquid thunder as we scream with the thrillz of it all? Just a reminder of the beauty and power of Creation, friend internetter. It's all around you!




P.S. Happy Fourth of July, 'merica! Remember, the best falls are on OUR side -- we just can't see 'em!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Pantleg Top Hat

::inhales deeply:: Ahh. The top hat! Of all hats the most authoritative, the most audacious -- a little tower of Babel, right there on your head. Starting from meager beaver-fur beginnings in the late 1700's, and enjoying the support of such men as Abraham Lincoln and Rich Uncle Pennybags...but now is this hat's finest hour, for it is made of a Pantleg at long last!

Ha. Is that enough to satisfy us, discerning reader? No, no no. Not until we have tapped every delicious drop of hidden potential.

That is right! I hear the gasps of women and children, I see tears on the cheeks of strong men. There are cookies in this hat -- warm and scrumptious and gooey chocolate chip cookies. When the Persians invented cookies in the 0600's (as everyone knows they did), I am sure they never imagined that their creation would end up here. In my hat -- and soon, in my mouth. Thank you, Persians! Thank you, Abraham Lincoln! If I rise above the crowd, it is only because I stand upon the shoulders of giants, and because my hat is so very, very tall.




P.S. I neglected to display a hat yesterday because I got home late because I was studying THE BIBLE, which is maybe the only acceptable explanation?

P.P.S. I will be at the Niagara Falls tomorrow! I will take a Pantleg with me, and we'll get some pix for the World Wide Web Log!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Pantleg Dinosaur Mask

Some have said that this mask looks like E.T. -- but for me it calls to mind some ancient time when dinosaurs roamed the earth. Roamed??? And why should they not have strode with some terrible purpose, perhaps late for a wedding or a casting call, their every footstep shaking the earth as they glanced at their pocket-watches? "Roamed" makes dinosaurs sound aimless and carefree, but this is the real world, bud, and we've all got responsibilities!

Dinosaurs, it is said, perished because their heads were too small for their bodies, and they lacked peripheral vision. From the photographs above, you can see that this is true. And yet, Behold! The graceful, slender neck of the Apatosaurus! Wearing this Pantleg puts me in a contemplative mood. I feel a kinship with Adam, with Job, and every other (un?)lucky person who encountered a living Leviathan -- but this time, I am the Leviathan...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Pantleg Fez

The fez (or similarly, more anciently, the tarboosh) is a hat with a long and storied history, culminating in its inevitable association with the Shriners. But through all of its many adventures, the fez was never crafted out of raw pantlegs and sheer ingenuity -- UNTIL NOW!!!



Observe the upward motion of the cap, sweeping (almost rushing) toward the knotted crown. And perching jauntily at the apex stands a tuft of fabric which calls to mind the turnips from some ancestral vegetable garden, or from Super Marios Bros 2.

An exact representation of the traditional fez? Perhaps not. An improvement in every way? I am compelled to say YES!

This is by no means the first hat into which the Pantleg was twisted -- but it is the first to be photographed, and the camera don't lie, so there ya go.

A New and Noble Purpose

Hai guise!

My mother cut a pair of sweatpants into shorts this afternoon, and guess what? She gave me the shattered remains of the pantlegs (isn't she a good mother? Yes she is!). Here is one of them:

The other one is strikingly similar. Now, I had a notion of using them as an ironic sort of sleeves, but that's obviously childish.

It did not take me many hours of experimentation to discover that these humble pantlegs can be transformed into a startling variety of hats!!!

I will proceed with my explorations and keep you posted on my progress.